I had a chat with an important person a little while back who I love talking with and listening to. These thoughts stemmed from that meeting and really meaningful conversation:
Sometimes we might see things in people we wish we didn’t. Tendencies, ways of being, “dark sides,” or find out things we might wish we didn’t know. I believe that all of us have the right to our own values and choices, even if those are not choices all people would make (and we are all different from one another with many layers).
Sometimes even very good people can do hurtful or seemingly careless things, and this doesn’t necessarily make them any less good; just human.
When we make mistakes or screw up (as we all do sometimes), there are times where we can choose to try working through difficult things. It doesn’t make bad behaviour acceptable (and we may decide to see some things as just completely unacceptable) but, in most cases, we can allow ourselves to be human and to hear each other out before making final decisions. Maybe we can choose to see this option first before choosing to perhaps close off completely or before things reach the point of some sort of blow up.
But if someone is hurting you with their treatment and choices or affecting you or your life in a way that you find is toxic or harmful, it is your right to pause and reflect on whether or not you truly feel this person or connection is good for you and your life. And it is then your right to choose to remove or distance yourself from that particular person or situation in the way you choose to, if you feel this is best.
And it doesn’t always have to be final (although sometimes it may have to be). Sometimes we just need to be apart to see things differently, to feel or think differently, or to grow into different ways of being.
Ultimately, you are in charge of your choices and you are in charge of who you allow close to you. You can choose to allow yourself to spend time with, thoughts on, and your valuable and valid feelings on those you truly feel are worth it and good for you. And if you find it’s time to cut a connection or to keep yourself at a safe distance from someone, even if this is someone you perhaps were once close to, although it might be very difficult, allow yourself the chance and the choice to do that. Whether temporarily or forever.
We can allow ourselves to focus on those who truly care about our wellbeing, choices, and who add value to our lives in the ways we feel are important and nourishing. And then we can choose to be that kind of person for them.